The “Sex” Tells A Story: Analysis of a Relationship

The Internet's Favorite Sex Therapist

In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in “Real Love.” The jury is still out on that one and I’m waiting a bit to read the emails I’ve been getting on the subject. I’ll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as “true love.”

In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I’m sure I’ve spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:
-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.
I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term “relationship.” However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.

The “Sex” of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the “it” of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.

Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.

The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.

In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES…I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist… there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist…there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.

If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!

What are you waiting for? Isn’t it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.

Take time to stop and smell the roses…life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don’t let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.

Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don’t believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows…love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you’ll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.

Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD, known as the Internet’s Favorite Sex Therapist, is a board certified sexologist, psychologist, and marriage and relationship therapist and owns <a href=”http://bocatherapy.com/”>Boca Therapy</a> in Boca Raton, Fl. She also offers phone therapy worldwide to both individuals and couples. Her popular blog is known as <a href=”http://Askdrarelene.com/”>Ask Dr. Arlene</a>

Love: Myth Or Reality?

by Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD Boca Therapy  and blog with her at Ask Dr. Arlene.

Well, July 4th has come and gone, and the summer is almost half over. Can you believe it? What about your dreams all winter long, enduring the cold and the snow, thinking about that great summer vacation that lies ahead. Hoping to meet that special someone during that long hot and sultry summer, you devise the most intricate of plans in your head, knowing it will be a July full of romance and lust that will outshine any firework display!

SCREEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, now back to reality. It is the middle of the summer, and your one true love has not yet appeared! Egad! What on earth, no it can’t be, not another bummer of a summer with no fantastic love story to report upon return to earth and your fellow co-workers!

So then, what of this fantasy that most of us have had once or twice in our lives, to fall madly in love with that one unique and fantastic, handsome/beautiful person that walks on water and floats through the air?

The one that you’ve created in your mind a thousand times over, that will love you like you’ve never been loved before and can do no wrong. The one guy or gal that reminds you of good old mom’s apple pie and dad’s aftershave when you were 6 years old.

Its a bird, its a plane, NO….or is it merely a myth as intangible as Superman’s ability to fly?

You tell me. I’d love to hear from my readers first. Then I’d love to respond to most all of you as to whether or not I truly believe that “REAL LOVE” does indeed exist!!

Looking forward to hearing your comments. 

Dr. Krieger is a board certified clinical sex therapist (sexologist) and marriage and family therapist in Boca Raton, Fl.   She specializes in relationships and intimacy issues. Visit her site at

Boca Raton Sex Therapist Explains “A Sexless America”

Is anyone out there still having sex? Honestly, I know it is summer and hot hot hot out there, but c’mon people…surely you have the time and energy to conjure up a bit of sexy stuff with your partner! As they say, “Just Do It!”

Madonna’s got it right when she sings,
“Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love All over your body, all over your body In my love All over, all over From your head down to your toes.”

There ya go, remember what it feels like to be in lust?

In conversation with another mental health professional this week, I was startled to hear her corroborative report that none of her patients were having sex! Although she doesn’t specialize in sexuality, the issues of low libido and desire were also raising their sad statistical little heads in her psychiatric arena of therapy.

The issues of low libido, lack of desire and simply falling out of love with a partner are in the top 3, of issues that present in my office. The reasons range from simply not being in the mood, to some personal affront or offense perceived by one or another of the partners, resulting in a sexless and guarded relationship.

Once anger and contempt enter the parameters of relationship, there is a black hole where the heart used to be. No love or intimacy can grow there in the dark.

Only through healthy communication can these problems in a relationship be “fleshed out” a term used in the therapeutic world. This meaning, being able to work through the hurts and disappointments that are always there in the world of relationship. Knowing how to fight fairly, not bringing up the past or throwing verbal zingers at your partner just to inflict pain or harm.

Before you’re singing the song…you’re already gone, I’m lonely, and find yourself begging your partner to stay, stop here please! These are the final stages of argument, where partners can make mistakes that are irreparable.

Professional help can often help partners sort things out and prioritize their relationship in a healthier more functional manner.

The statistical facts continue to support the fact that marriage and relationship is hard work. It is hard to keep sexuality and romance alive in relationship today. What can be done about it? Is sex still important after a few years together?

As a Clinical sexologist, I say, plenty can be done about it! And yes, sex is absolutely, totally, definitely, a necessity in relationship. There are a 1001 ways to show love, and enjoy a fully satisfying sexual life with your partner.

Dr. Krieger is a Florida board certified sexologist, marriage and family counselor, and mental health therapist.  She is an expert author on Ezinearticles.com and known as America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist.  Her office is located in Boca Raton and she provides telephone therapy worldwide. For more information visit http://www.bocatherapy.com

Blog with her at http://www.askdrarlene.com

What Is Normal Sexuality? Married People Want To Know.

Everyone wonders about this. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they?

The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems.

With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.

In today’s society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, “being all over each other 24 hours a day.

Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no 1 one “right way” of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no “editing” of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome…surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.

Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs.

There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.
Hmmm…. I wonder which gender that is!

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.

What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of intimate connection. You deserve no less.

America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist Quotes Tina Turner On Love

The lyrics of Tina Turner’s song, “Whats love got to do with it” resonates in my mind as I drive into my office today. Although they say that one should leave their work at the office, in my line of work, that is easier said than done. The pain and angst of life exists, many learn to survive it, for some that are eternally stuck in the past, it culminates into eternal pain.

Whether at rest, in lines at the food store or caught in traffic, thoughts of my patient’s lives tumble through my head like waves crashing upon the shore. The nuances of each and everyones personal dilemmas, ebbing and flowing with the same destructive forces of nature.

In review of a recent article, it is reported that “head over heels attraction can be a sign of bad schema chemistry.” The author speaks of “love traps” such as issues of entitlement, abandonment, defectiveness, subjugation, self-sacrifice, punitiveness. The list is unlimited as to what we as human beings are capable of, in relation to the dynamics of personal interaction with one another.

Thus, if Lust, Sexual and Physical attraction, the Desire for another for the sake of personal pleasure is not LOVE, then as ‘Alfie’ so effectively states “whats it all about.?”

To begin with, LOVE is a decision that one makes, hopefully incorporating, reason, logic, and executive front lobal thought processes, vs. the animal attraction of the limbic system thought processes.

Real LOVE is the conscious intent, a cognitive leap of good faith, mixed with genuine care, respect, and a sprinkling of heartfelt and soulful emotion towards your respective object of desire/loved one.

Absolute LOVE is not simply wanting this other human being in your life because you can gain personal pleasure from them, but rather, it is an intangible soul to soul love, where wanting the best for the other person comes from your heart, not from a sense of personal gain. To love one because you admire and respect the core essence of them, to love another from the perspective that you are a better person for having them in your life, these are the essentials of an authentic and lasting LOVE.

Simply some food for thought for all of those who claim to love, but use the term vaguely….without exploring the responsibilities of such a true and blissful journey.

Your Life Your Therapy: Taking Responsibility for Your own Therapeutic Wellness

Often times in therapy, my patients will ask what I think about a specific problem and dynamic in their relationship. I explain to the individual or couple, that it is not for me to tell them what to do or how to do it, but rather, to interpret for the couple, and exactly what it is that they are trying to say to each other.

As a post-modern, systems oriented, and solution focused therapist, my job is not to “Fix” the patient/patients, but to help them help themselves. During this process, the therapist provides a safe haven to explore issues, and an experts positioning on the sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction at play in the couples relationship.

It is often difficult, as the saying goes, “to see the forest for the trees” when one is in the middle of crisis in their own personal trials and tribulations of life and love. As the Therapist, it is my job to help the couple/individual make sense of and choose possible options for moving forward in their relationships in a pro-active and positive manner.

With these basic and essential boundaries in place, the groundwork for the therapeutic process begins.

During the first three sessions, the therapist must “join” with the patient, meaning, that each respective party begins to feel comfortable in their role as patient, and therapist. It is during these crucial beginning sessions that the doctor/patient relationship is nurtured and developed.

If indeed the patient decides that there is a “comfort zone” and they wish to continue with therapy with this particular doctor/ therapist, it is at this point that the interactive components of trust and therapeutic process between Doctor and Patient develop into a working relationship.

The secret to a” healthy working relationship” with your therapist, and to getting the most out of your therapy, is in truly understanding the Therapeutic process. A few of these rules for therapy are listed below.

BASIC RULES OF GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR THERAPY:

1. Going into therapy, decide whether you are there to “win” at something, or to
“work on solutions” to help your relationship survive.

2. Don’t expect the Therapist to “take sides”. Your therapist is well-trained to
work from an Objective stance, not Subjective.

3. Drop Your Weapons: Don’t come into therapy with a “chip on your shoulder”
you are either here to gain a better understanding of your relationship or to
fight about the past. Unfair fighting is a deal breaker to any relationship.

4. Take responsibility for your own life, relationship and therapeutic process.
Simply going to therapy will not “fix” your relationship. It is up to you and
your partner to follow through with the therapeutic process both in and out of
the therapy session.

5. Expect your therapist to provide interactive discussion during therapy. Today’s
therapy hopes to provide the patient with Solutions for Today’s problems.
Simply venting or talking to the therapist for the 55 minute session is old
school therapy, psychodynamic, and often leaves the patient feeling as
thought they’ve come out of therapy with no new tools or skills to work with.

6. In solution-focused therapy, homework, or directives for further development
of your therapy treatment plan are implemented, so that you’ve done your
part of the therapy process between sessions.

7. Therapy is not a day at the Park. Expect to feel uncomfortable at the
beginning. It is difficult to feel vulnerable and safe enough at the same time,
to express your personal issues and move forward with your therapist.
Hopefully these guidelines will provide a birds-eye view enabling you to get
the most from your investment in Psychotherapy. If you are reading this
article, you are taking the first step to improving your quality of life and
relationships. Small baby steps can lead to great accomplishments.

In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

http://www.askdrarlene.com