My Relationship: Do I Stay Or Leave? By Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD Sexologist

Again, one of the No. 1 questions that patients want to know in Sex therapy sessions. Of all of the issues of love, lust, libido, relationship, sex and intimacy in relationship…most everyone at one time or another asks this question.

My response is, that with faith, love and hope, anything worth fighting for can be fixed!

I always ask my patients to think back to what it was that attracted them to each other to begin with. In other words, what little nuances like, the way the other person smiled, or was easy to be with…or perhaps was kind to animals and strangers, or always offering to help out those in need.

These types of personal and behavioral characteristics are what makes up the charm or charisma that you were most likely first drawn to upon the first encounters with your partner.
Once into the grit and grind of daily life however, it is all too easy for us to lose site of what it was and is that we adored most about our lovers.

So to the question of how to know if this is for real? Whether you’re dating, living together, or married for just several years or 50…the key to knowing if you’re in the right place is simple.

No. 1 – Do you respect the person you are sitting across from at the dinner table, or sleeping next to in bed at night?

It is crucial that you think this one over for awhile, before you jump in to answer. If you have had a recent argument or don’t like the color your wife has painted the house, thats a disagreement, not a life determining factor that should make or break the relationship.

We all fight, in fact, it is those couples that “don’t fight” that truly worry me. Fighting fairly is a way of communicating and is healthy as long as certain rules are followed. This means no bringing up the other persons past, no back stabbing or name calling, nor undermining the other person. To fight fairly can be learned, these skills are available and should be utilized in order to prevent harm that can sometimes not be repaired.

Words spoken in anger can cut as sharp as any knife and wound your loved one to the core. For some, they can easily forget and forgive, for others…those words hastily spewed will resonate in their minds forever, ultimately killing the love and respect in the relationship.

If you as a couple, can find your way back to one another, by way of healthy communication, consideration for the others feelings, by allowing your partner to speak their truth, without fear of retaliation… or judgment, then you’ve taken the first steps to re-connecting with your partner.

Hopefully, you will find the love, respect, and devotion that was first there in your relationship.
These attributes are not something to be taken for granted. They must be nurtured, implemented and planted in your relationship on a daily basis, just as you would care for a delicate orchid.

The heart has a mind of its own, yet knows when it truly loves and receives love back. Being truthful about these delicate matters is not always a painless experience. However, moving forward and building on your love is the only way to grow a beautiful and thriving relationship.

Dr. Krieger is a board cerfified Florida Sexologist and offers in-offices therapy sessions or telephone therapy worldwide to both individuals and couples.  Her main website is http://www.BocaTherapy.com  Blog with her at http://www.AskDrArlene.com

What Is Normal Sexuality? Married People Want To Know.

Everyone wonders about this. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they?

The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems.

With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.

In today’s society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, “being all over each other 24 hours a day.

Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no 1 one “right way” of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no “editing” of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome…surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.

Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs.

There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.
Hmmm…. I wonder which gender that is!

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.

What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of intimate connection. You deserve no less.