The “Sex” Tells A Story: Analysis of a Relationship

The Internet's Favorite Sex Therapist

In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in “Real Love.” The jury is still out on that one and I’m waiting a bit to read the emails I’ve been getting on the subject. I’ll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as “true love.”

In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I’m sure I’ve spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:
-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.
I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term “relationship.” However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.

The “Sex” of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the “it” of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.

Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.

The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.

In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES…I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist… there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist…there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.

If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!

What are you waiting for? Isn’t it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.

Take time to stop and smell the roses…life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don’t let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.

Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don’t believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows…love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you’ll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.

Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD, known as the Internet’s Favorite Sex Therapist, is a board certified sexologist, psychologist, and marriage and relationship therapist and owns <a href=”http://bocatherapy.com/”>Boca Therapy</a> in Boca Raton, Fl. She also offers phone therapy worldwide to both individuals and couples. Her popular blog is known as <a href=”http://Askdrarelene.com/”>Ask Dr. Arlene</a>

Sexologist Dr. Arlene Krieger, PHD Article: Love Before You Leap

In today’s world of cyber-space technology, we are a society overwhelmed with information from Sex to Politics. Our sympathetic nervous system is flooded with multi-media, from the privacy of our homes to almost every other venue that we could possibly experience during our daily routines of life.

Recently, while sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, another patient walked in and remarked. ” oh no…not him again” referring to a television news conference with Obama at the helm. Perhap I have seen so much of Hillary and Obama lately, that I too had reached my satiation level for the week. I looked up from the magazine article I was reading, oblivious to the intrusive nature of the large 42inch plasma screen on the opposite wall of the waiting rooms sterile environment.

Somehow I had found my way to a magazine that peaked my interest instead, and had not noticed the mechanical drone of the monster T.V. Not of interest to me, however seemingly comforting to some, I was momentarily fascinated by the mere fact that I actually could “tune out” the blare of the commotion of the daily news.

It occured to me later that day, that if we as human beings, can “tune out” much of what we are bombarded with via, electrical signals, machinery, techno-techniques, visual and sensory over-stimulation, than what other of our senses have we automatically “shut down” in order to survive the fast pace of this 21st century????

Of course due to the nature of my profession, the wheels are always turning, seems I am never without a book or journal in pocket. As a student of human nature and the behavioral sciences, we as psychotherapists don’t just turn off our inquisitive minds once we achieve our highest level of degrees.

It is important for me as a Doctor, knowing the part I play in patient’s lives, to be currently well read in the genre of Love , Sex and Relationship. Essentially always existing on the “virtual cusp” of why, what and how we LOVE in today’s society.

In order to achieve “successful outcome” in therapy, the information and knowledge that can be provided to the patient, known in this field as “bibliotherapy”, is an essential component of the therapeutic process.

Simply defiined; Information is knowledge, Knowledge is Power. If you are looking to empower yourself in a healthy, loving, sexual, and intimate relationship in today’s world, You will need all the tools and tips for success that you can get !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This brings me to the issue of patients blocking out their emotionality at different levels. If we can block out the daily noise of life, then surely you can understand how easy it would be to accidently block your emotions. This means, internalizing your frustrations, building up anger issues without venting, not utilizing fair-fighting skills, guarding your inner self and seeing yourself as a victim in many situations, not being understood, not getting the love that you think you deserve in your relationship.

If any of the above seems familiar to you, join the club!!!!!!!!!! How can we be in “touch with our inner selves” if we are not even fully present in the moment, not even aware of who we are or where we are in our environment, let alone our relationships and marriages.

Love before you Leap, is a metaphor of knowing yourself first.
How can we love and expect to be loved, if you don’t love yourself.
Becoming aware of who you are, where you are going, and then deciding who you are taking with you….is one of the most fertile adages I know. It is certainly food for thought.

Taking the time to simplify your life, deciding “Who is Writing Your Script” and who are the players in your script. Are you the director, who are your writers, your stage hands, etc. You and only you should be in control of your choices in life. Although “Choice” takes work and is not a simple process….understanding who you are and whom you choose to love is a great beginning to successful relationship. Choosing to know yourself first, before you either LOVE or LEAP into the 21st century of the many choices we are faced with, can only serve you with clarity and better decision making skills
Blog with Dr. Arlene at http://www.askdrarlene.com

Your Life Your Therapy: Taking Responsibility for Your own Therapeutic Wellness

Often times in therapy, my patients will ask what I think about a specific problem and dynamic in their relationship. I explain to the individual or couple, that it is not for me to tell them what to do or how to do it, but rather, to interpret for the couple, and exactly what it is that they are trying to say to each other.

As a post-modern, systems oriented, and solution focused therapist, my job is not to “Fix” the patient/patients, but to help them help themselves. During this process, the therapist provides a safe haven to explore issues, and an experts positioning on the sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction at play in the couples relationship.

It is often difficult, as the saying goes, “to see the forest for the trees” when one is in the middle of crisis in their own personal trials and tribulations of life and love. As the Therapist, it is my job to help the couple/individual make sense of and choose possible options for moving forward in their relationships in a pro-active and positive manner.

With these basic and essential boundaries in place, the groundwork for the therapeutic process begins.

During the first three sessions, the therapist must “join” with the patient, meaning, that each respective party begins to feel comfortable in their role as patient, and therapist. It is during these crucial beginning sessions that the doctor/patient relationship is nurtured and developed.

If indeed the patient decides that there is a “comfort zone” and they wish to continue with therapy with this particular doctor/ therapist, it is at this point that the interactive components of trust and therapeutic process between Doctor and Patient develop into a working relationship.

The secret to a” healthy working relationship” with your therapist, and to getting the most out of your therapy, is in truly understanding the Therapeutic process. A few of these rules for therapy are listed below.

BASIC RULES OF GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR THERAPY:

1. Going into therapy, decide whether you are there to “win” at something, or to
“work on solutions” to help your relationship survive.

2. Don’t expect the Therapist to “take sides”. Your therapist is well-trained to
work from an Objective stance, not Subjective.

3. Drop Your Weapons: Don’t come into therapy with a “chip on your shoulder”
you are either here to gain a better understanding of your relationship or to
fight about the past. Unfair fighting is a deal breaker to any relationship.

4. Take responsibility for your own life, relationship and therapeutic process.
Simply going to therapy will not “fix” your relationship. It is up to you and
your partner to follow through with the therapeutic process both in and out of
the therapy session.

5. Expect your therapist to provide interactive discussion during therapy. Today’s
therapy hopes to provide the patient with Solutions for Today’s problems.
Simply venting or talking to the therapist for the 55 minute session is old
school therapy, psychodynamic, and often leaves the patient feeling as
thought they’ve come out of therapy with no new tools or skills to work with.

6. In solution-focused therapy, homework, or directives for further development
of your therapy treatment plan are implemented, so that you’ve done your
part of the therapy process between sessions.

7. Therapy is not a day at the Park. Expect to feel uncomfortable at the
beginning. It is difficult to feel vulnerable and safe enough at the same time,
to express your personal issues and move forward with your therapist.
Hopefully these guidelines will provide a birds-eye view enabling you to get
the most from your investment in Psychotherapy. If you are reading this
article, you are taking the first step to improving your quality of life and
relationships. Small baby steps can lead to great accomplishments.

In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

http://www.askdrarlene.com