What Is Normal Sexuality? Married People Want To Know.

Everyone wonders about this. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they?

The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems.

With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.

In today’s society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, “being all over each other 24 hours a day.

Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no 1 one “right way” of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no “editing” of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome…surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.

Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs.

There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.
Hmmm…. I wonder which gender that is!

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.

What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of intimate connection. You deserve no less.

What Is A Certified Sexologist? Dr. Arlene Krieger, PHD Explains

Do we need to see a therapist?
I think we have sexual problems?
How do we find the right type of therapist?
A sex therapist, what the heck is a sex therapist?

It never fails to amaze me, that the mere mention of sex and human sexuality continue to titillate and cause a state of unrest for most, when thrown into the mix of everyday conversation.

I’m standing inside the sushi restaurant last week, waiting for my take-out tempura salmon roll. A very charming and handsome man also waiting outside the front door beckons for me to join him while waiting for our lunch orders. He casually asks if I live in the neighborhood and what I do for a living.

Before I answer him, I notice a woman sitting not 3 feet from us, observing the conversation. She seems somewhat amused by the charming man and his social tactics (pick-up lines).
I open my mouth to respond and my mind is already whirling with thoughts of the response I will most likely get from my answer.

“I’m a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, a Marriage and Family Therapist with a PhD in Clinical Sexology…” I pause, watching the expression on his face. The woman at the table nearby, also has looked up from her lunch, I have their absolute attentions at this point.

You do what, he exclaims? I again define my profession, and add, “you know, like Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite sexologist…only a bit younger.”

The woman at the table is still watching us. She smiles and says, “this should be interesting.”

____________________________

This is the response I receive 99.9% of the time from persons, once they’ve asked what my profession is. Even upon explanation, there still seems to be that stunned look on their faces.
So then, why the shock effect from stating that one works in the field of Human Sexuality?

First off, `I’m not sure that people fully understand what it means to be a sex therapist, sexologist or clinical sexologist. It often can mean different things to different people, since the field of sex therapy is very specific to its requirements and regulations

What then does it actually mean to be a sex therapist?

Florida is the only state to license sex therapists. Other licensed professionals in the mental health field may obtain the additional specialty license by completing 120 hours of training and 20 hours of supervised clinical practice. Or, they may attain their PhD in Clinical Sexology by completing a State certified doctoral program in clinical sexology.

Currently The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists offers such programming in Orlando, Florida. Dr. William Granzig is the founder and Dean of the program, with whose guidance and training I was honored to have studied.

Dr. Granzig states in a past interview with the Washington Post, that sexual matters cannot be addressed by just any therapist, so it is beneficial to train people to deal with them specifically.
He also maintains that the model for sex therapy, created more than 30 years ago by William Masters and Virginia Johnson calls for therapists to refer patients to sex therapists when sexual issues arise.

Outside Florida, sex therapists are generally licensed in such fields as counseling, social work or psychology. Some receive additional training and certification from organizations such as the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and the American Board of Sexologists (ABS). “

There are conflicting views about this very specific profession however. In a recent passing conversation with a colleague in the mental health field, he claimed that sex counseling is simply an aspect of an everyday psychology practice, and though the subject may not come up often, he was surely capable of dealing with such issues, simply based on “personal experience.”

WHAT?? No No No No! In the State of Florida there are very specific and absolute statutes defining the specifics of who can practice sex therapy and who can call themselves a sex therapist. These statutes are clearly stated along with the specific training and course work that one must have in order to practice sex therapy in the State of Florida.

Just because my colleague was once a playboy and has endured 4 marriages, doesn’t give him the qualifications to shoot from the hip so to speak, and practice “sex therapy” in his office!

That said, hopefully I’ve answered some questions about, what is a sex therapist and how do I find a sex therapist that is qualified?

Now, I’d like to address exactly when you may need a sex therapist and what to expect in sex therapy, and sex therapists can really do for you.

First of all, it is important to understand that we as human beings don’t exist in a unilateral world. We are almost always in relationship with one or another persons. Whether it be work or personal life, there is a systemic flow to who you are and how you interact in the world around you.

In your relationship the issues of sex, intimacy, love, career, health and life in general all add up contextually to who you and your partner are. As sex therapists, it is often important to break down these individual issues and isolate the actual sexual issues from the relationship factors.
Although if is often difficult to separate the two, that’s exactly what your sex therapist tries to do. In better understanding sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction in your relationship, therapy helps you to gain clarity on who you are and what you expect from your partner. Your relationship and sex life are not independent of one another. However, it is important to point out that fixing your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a quick fix for your sex life.

There is a method behind the madness of therapy and sex therapy. We don’t simply sit in our chairs and pull questions out of thin air like rabbits out of a hat. The original therapeutic models for sex therapy go back some thirty years to the pioneering sexologists. Sex therapists have devoted much time and research in order to gain an understanding of human sexuality and human behaviors. Therefore, they are much more likely to have a comprehensive understanding of your sexuality and relationship issues than a typical psychologist.

Sex therapists don’t fix your problem. They help you help yourself. As Sex therapists, we foster a safe place where you can communicate understand, and focus on defining and healing the specifics of your sexual and relationship issues.

Sexual dissatisfaction is the no. 2 reason for divorce in this country. If you are seeking help, you can locate a licensed and qualified sex therapist by contacting the American board of Sexology, or go to your Internet which provides numerous therapist locater programs, such as psychologytoday.com or 4 therapy.com etc. You may also want to ask your medical doctor for a referral in your local area.

Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD practices in Boca Raton, Fl.  She is known as “America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist”. Blog with her at www.askdrarlene.com

 

America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist Quotes Tina Turner On Love

The lyrics of Tina Turner’s song, “Whats love got to do with it” resonates in my mind as I drive into my office today. Although they say that one should leave their work at the office, in my line of work, that is easier said than done. The pain and angst of life exists, many learn to survive it, for some that are eternally stuck in the past, it culminates into eternal pain.

Whether at rest, in lines at the food store or caught in traffic, thoughts of my patient’s lives tumble through my head like waves crashing upon the shore. The nuances of each and everyones personal dilemmas, ebbing and flowing with the same destructive forces of nature.

In review of a recent article, it is reported that “head over heels attraction can be a sign of bad schema chemistry.” The author speaks of “love traps” such as issues of entitlement, abandonment, defectiveness, subjugation, self-sacrifice, punitiveness. The list is unlimited as to what we as human beings are capable of, in relation to the dynamics of personal interaction with one another.

Thus, if Lust, Sexual and Physical attraction, the Desire for another for the sake of personal pleasure is not LOVE, then as ‘Alfie’ so effectively states “whats it all about.?”

To begin with, LOVE is a decision that one makes, hopefully incorporating, reason, logic, and executive front lobal thought processes, vs. the animal attraction of the limbic system thought processes.

Real LOVE is the conscious intent, a cognitive leap of good faith, mixed with genuine care, respect, and a sprinkling of heartfelt and soulful emotion towards your respective object of desire/loved one.

Absolute LOVE is not simply wanting this other human being in your life because you can gain personal pleasure from them, but rather, it is an intangible soul to soul love, where wanting the best for the other person comes from your heart, not from a sense of personal gain. To love one because you admire and respect the core essence of them, to love another from the perspective that you are a better person for having them in your life, these are the essentials of an authentic and lasting LOVE.

Simply some food for thought for all of those who claim to love, but use the term vaguely….without exploring the responsibilities of such a true and blissful journey.

Sexologist Dr. Arlene Krieger, PHD Article: Love Before You Leap

In today’s world of cyber-space technology, we are a society overwhelmed with information from Sex to Politics. Our sympathetic nervous system is flooded with multi-media, from the privacy of our homes to almost every other venue that we could possibly experience during our daily routines of life.

Recently, while sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, another patient walked in and remarked. ” oh no…not him again” referring to a television news conference with Obama at the helm. Perhap I have seen so much of Hillary and Obama lately, that I too had reached my satiation level for the week. I looked up from the magazine article I was reading, oblivious to the intrusive nature of the large 42inch plasma screen on the opposite wall of the waiting rooms sterile environment.

Somehow I had found my way to a magazine that peaked my interest instead, and had not noticed the mechanical drone of the monster T.V. Not of interest to me, however seemingly comforting to some, I was momentarily fascinated by the mere fact that I actually could “tune out” the blare of the commotion of the daily news.

It occured to me later that day, that if we as human beings, can “tune out” much of what we are bombarded with via, electrical signals, machinery, techno-techniques, visual and sensory over-stimulation, than what other of our senses have we automatically “shut down” in order to survive the fast pace of this 21st century????

Of course due to the nature of my profession, the wheels are always turning, seems I am never without a book or journal in pocket. As a student of human nature and the behavioral sciences, we as psychotherapists don’t just turn off our inquisitive minds once we achieve our highest level of degrees.

It is important for me as a Doctor, knowing the part I play in patient’s lives, to be currently well read in the genre of Love , Sex and Relationship. Essentially always existing on the “virtual cusp” of why, what and how we LOVE in today’s society.

In order to achieve “successful outcome” in therapy, the information and knowledge that can be provided to the patient, known in this field as “bibliotherapy”, is an essential component of the therapeutic process.

Simply defiined; Information is knowledge, Knowledge is Power. If you are looking to empower yourself in a healthy, loving, sexual, and intimate relationship in today’s world, You will need all the tools and tips for success that you can get !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This brings me to the issue of patients blocking out their emotionality at different levels. If we can block out the daily noise of life, then surely you can understand how easy it would be to accidently block your emotions. This means, internalizing your frustrations, building up anger issues without venting, not utilizing fair-fighting skills, guarding your inner self and seeing yourself as a victim in many situations, not being understood, not getting the love that you think you deserve in your relationship.

If any of the above seems familiar to you, join the club!!!!!!!!!! How can we be in “touch with our inner selves” if we are not even fully present in the moment, not even aware of who we are or where we are in our environment, let alone our relationships and marriages.

Love before you Leap, is a metaphor of knowing yourself first.
How can we love and expect to be loved, if you don’t love yourself.
Becoming aware of who you are, where you are going, and then deciding who you are taking with you….is one of the most fertile adages I know. It is certainly food for thought.

Taking the time to simplify your life, deciding “Who is Writing Your Script” and who are the players in your script. Are you the director, who are your writers, your stage hands, etc. You and only you should be in control of your choices in life. Although “Choice” takes work and is not a simple process….understanding who you are and whom you choose to love is a great beginning to successful relationship. Choosing to know yourself first, before you either LOVE or LEAP into the 21st century of the many choices we are faced with, can only serve you with clarity and better decision making skills
Blog with Dr. Arlene at www.askdrarlene.com