Strange Internet Dating Experience(s)? Ask Dr. Arlene Sexologist PHD

Margaret was astounded and angry at her own foolishness for falling for her latest boyfriends smooth lines. 

As a Marriage and Family therapist, and Clinical Sexologist, I will address the women’s perspectives on this issue, that I have recently had opportunity to speak with in my research on the subject. So as not to abandon the male’s viewpoint, I will address the man’s point of view in my next posted blog.

So lets get started. First and foremost, women are complaining about several major repeated patterns of behavior seen in many of the men they have met. Listed below are the major offenders as stated by local women interviewed:

1. “they all seem to have ADHD…and can’t date you without being right back online while dating you”

2. “men lie about their ages and pretend to be something that they are not”

3. “if they don’t have ex-girlfriends…they are still married or “separated” and expect you to put up with listening to them talk about their ex’s.

4. “these guys can’t even follow through, they take you on a date, tell you how crazy they are about you, and then don’t call back for a week, while having “coffee dates” with other women….
all the while having made a date with you for the upcoming weekend.
________________________________________

OK…OK….OK…… I get the picture…… As a single woman myself, I have kissed my share of frogs.
The key question here is…..WHY DO PEOPLE FAIL OUR EXPECTATIONS OF THEM????
And that is exactly what they do, because we set ourselves up for these disappointments!!!!!!
People are people are people……thats right….we are humans with human frailties. All of us make mistakes, and not only fail others but ourselves as well at times.

I believe that in this twenty-first century of “internet dating”……we as women have to be, …and by the way………this is not an if, or a maybe, but absolutely a mandate that we “MUST BE” vigilent in our survival instincts!!!!!!! In other words….you must be dicerning in your choices that you make.

Think of it this way…would you scatter your finances away haphazardly, or give away your most valued possessions to just any old person that passed your way. Of course not!!!!!!! Then I ask, why are we as women…so often giving away our most precious belonging….our essence and soul energy. Thats right…..your essence…..that which makes up the core of who you know yourself to be, including your sense of self, self-esteem, loving heart, physical life force, etc.

If the local men are acting like “boys with their toys”…living their second childhoods all over again, why must we be succeptible to their fragile egos and acting out adolescent behaviors???????

Although the question concerning how to find the “perfect partner” is often raised, the answer lies in loving and respecting yourself-first. On the subject of sex, love and your body, you can never truly give to another, what you have not accepted for yourself. If you don’t have love for yourself, you can’t be loving to others.

Attaining this type of Self-awareness means that, ‘you are aware of what the boundaries and pitfalls of internet dating entails’. You’re give physical, energetic, emotional, mental, soul-level, and spiritual aspects of your being, while manuvering through this cyber-space world of the dating and mating process. Why not guard against the dangerous curves in the road ahead???

Ultimately you are responsible for taking responsibility for your own safety and growth.
So even if the big bad wolf…..slips you that slippery and slimy cup of tea, it is up to you to decide if you want to go down that path! As they say….”IF YOU DON’T STAND FOR SOMETHING….YOU’LL FALL FOR ANYTHING….little Red Riding Hoo

Dr.  Krieger’s website address is http://www.bocatherapy.com

Blog with her at http://www.askdrarlene.com

Your Life Your Therapy: Taking Responsibility for Your own Therapeutic Wellness

Often times in therapy, my patients will ask what I think about a specific problem and dynamic in their relationship. I explain to the individual or couple, that it is not for me to tell them what to do or how to do it, but rather, to interpret for the couple, and exactly what it is that they are trying to say to each other.

As a post-modern, systems oriented, and solution focused therapist, my job is not to “Fix” the patient/patients, but to help them help themselves. During this process, the therapist provides a safe haven to explore issues, and an experts positioning on the sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction at play in the couples relationship.

It is often difficult, as the saying goes, “to see the forest for the trees” when one is in the middle of crisis in their own personal trials and tribulations of life and love. As the Therapist, it is my job to help the couple/individual make sense of and choose possible options for moving forward in their relationships in a pro-active and positive manner.

With these basic and essential boundaries in place, the groundwork for the therapeutic process begins.

During the first three sessions, the therapist must “join” with the patient, meaning, that each respective party begins to feel comfortable in their role as patient, and therapist. It is during these crucial beginning sessions that the doctor/patient relationship is nurtured and developed.

If indeed the patient decides that there is a “comfort zone” and they wish to continue with therapy with this particular doctor/ therapist, it is at this point that the interactive components of trust and therapeutic process between Doctor and Patient develop into a working relationship.

The secret to a” healthy working relationship” with your therapist, and to getting the most out of your therapy, is in truly understanding the Therapeutic process. A few of these rules for therapy are listed below.

BASIC RULES OF GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR THERAPY:

1. Going into therapy, decide whether you are there to “win” at something, or to
“work on solutions” to help your relationship survive.

2. Don’t expect the Therapist to “take sides”. Your therapist is well-trained to
work from an Objective stance, not Subjective.

3. Drop Your Weapons: Don’t come into therapy with a “chip on your shoulder”
you are either here to gain a better understanding of your relationship or to
fight about the past. Unfair fighting is a deal breaker to any relationship.

4. Take responsibility for your own life, relationship and therapeutic process.
Simply going to therapy will not “fix” your relationship. It is up to you and
your partner to follow through with the therapeutic process both in and out of
the therapy session.

5. Expect your therapist to provide interactive discussion during therapy. Today’s
therapy hopes to provide the patient with Solutions for Today’s problems.
Simply venting or talking to the therapist for the 55 minute session is old
school therapy, psychodynamic, and often leaves the patient feeling as
thought they’ve come out of therapy with no new tools or skills to work with.

6. In solution-focused therapy, homework, or directives for further development
of your therapy treatment plan are implemented, so that you’ve done your
part of the therapy process between sessions.

7. Therapy is not a day at the Park. Expect to feel uncomfortable at the
beginning. It is difficult to feel vulnerable and safe enough at the same time,
to express your personal issues and move forward with your therapist.
Hopefully these guidelines will provide a birds-eye view enabling you to get
the most from your investment in Psychotherapy. If you are reading this
article, you are taking the first step to improving your quality of life and
relationships. Small baby steps can lead to great accomplishments.

In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

http://www.askdrarlene.com

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