Choosing to Love:The No. 1 Key To Finding a Fulfilling Relationship

How can you be missing someone that never existed? No matter how much you hoped for or pretended that things weren’t all that bad, you find that you’re alone without your partner. Seeking a rock to stand on you’ve taken all you can bear and climbed up and out of the relationship.

Your memory will try to play tricks on you for awhile. All you can remember is the last time your lips touched or the final words said to each other. Nothing else seems to matter, how can things be right with the world when your lover has turned her/his back on you. After all, you gave them your heart, your love, your soul energy for gods’ sake! Perhaps you thought you heard them whisper words of love and intent, but perhaps it was just your own imagination blowing in the wind.

There seems to be no relief in sight and you can’t forget what it was like in their arms. You gave away your heart and all you got back was indecision and doubts.

HOLD ON! STOP!

All that you wanted out of a relationship doesn’t have to end in this type of scenario!
There are some key relationship tools that can help you to see who you are, how you got there, and how not to go towards a negative relationship again. Here are a few brief guidelines to put you on that road to happiness, finally realizing healthy and whole relationships.

Don’t be discouraged, it’s harder than you think in this world full of so many personalities and values, to find your true love. What’s done is done, however there is somebody out there for everyone. The perfect relationship can’t be ordered up like Latte’ at your favorite Starbucks.

The Relationship Tools:

No.1 – Choosing a partner
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM

No. 2- Dating vs. The Booty Call or Multi-Task Daters-
FIND OUT IF THE PERSON YOU ARE DATING IS EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE

No. 3- Respect your own values and know what your boundaries are
IF YOU DON’T STAND FOR SOMETHING YOU’LL FALL FOR ANYTHING

No.4- The Spirit and Soul Connection
NOTICE HOW THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH HOLDS YOUR HAND, YOUR ATTENTION AND YOUR SPIRIT

These are some basic rules of thumb for not being the victim in any relationship. The heart has a mind of it’s own and you can only control yourself, no one elses emotions. If you are not getting your needs met, get out. People don’t usually change. What you see is what you get.

Your partners should be considerate and respectful of who you are as a person. Love and relationship is not about what you can get from another person, but rather, true love and caring for someone is about wanting the best for your partner.

The test of whether or not you are choosing the right partner is simple. Are you at ease? Does this person lift your spirits, do you feel good about yourself when in the presence of your partner? Do you both want the same things out of life? Choose carefully, relationship is a sacred and special sharing of energy between two people, two unique souls.

In love and light…
Dr. Arlene

Loving With Abandon

In a random moment the other day, without any particular agenda or pre-determined intent, I asked a friend what he thought of ‘Love’. Naturally, there was the ever so slight guffaw and chuckle, before his response of, “oh boy.” Those two little words rolled off his tongue with the same effect as my auto mechanic when he’s standing over my car engine. Not sure if I’m going to get a simple answer, or be surprised with a need to bring auto parts in from Siberia! My seemingly simple question on “love” could have been received or responded to from various perspectives, though most consider love an ill-defined topic best avoided.

The action of love and the emotionality that comes along as a package deal, is not as complicated as one might think. NOTE: From my professional stance, I believe that love is an action not a feeling. A growing body of research shows that our “love attachments” actually have a neurological foundation from whence these emotional attachments come. This scientific theory establishes a link between monogomy and oxytocin-the so -called love hormone that helps bind mates, as well as mothers and offspring.

So then, what is it about the act of loving with abandon, without the disclaimers that so often are put up as barriers to feeling too much, or falling too quickly into this thing we call love? What horrible fate pray tell, may be awaiting the poor souls of the man/woman that gives too much or shows their cards too soon in love? Does the science of long-term bonds really play a part in the social dance of love?

In exploring this ever so timely question in today’s world of a throw-away society, where lovers are exchanged as easily as shoes that don’t quite fit right, lets begin with the building blocks of relationship.

Statistically, the reports show that men talk about relationship with their guy friends just as much as women do, only differently. Whether one wants to admit to it or not, we do still live in a male oriented society in the western world. The old standards of who calls whom, when is it appropriate to call, does the 48 hour call rule still count, what will he/she think if I call too much, what the heck is too much, who indeed makes these rules? Lets not even get into the notion of texting rules in this blog! That is an entire subject on its own!

Now first readers, you have to understand that I think relationship and sex 24/7, after all, I’m a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist with a private practice where all I do is work with persons with relationship, love and intimacy issues. How can one not think about love and relationship most of every waking moment considering my field of expertise. Every time a couple passes by holding hands whether 20 or 80, I wonder about their story.

The “story” is everything in LOVE. It is the perception and belief system of each individual, merged with the respective partner’s story. This coming together of two parties ultimately has to have a similar story in common for it to work. But then, who devises the “story” and who decides which parts to keep and which to throw away?

This is the part where it gets complicated, and when most of the couples I see end up in my office. We are all “storied” from the time we are small children. Someone in your earliest and most intimate of relationships, whether, mother, father, sister, brother, elementery school teacher Mrs. Smith, all the way up to the present has created a dominant discourse about you. You know what I mean, that you are either the cute one, the smart one, the one with personality and charm, the procrastinater, the smooth talker, the skinny one, the heavy one, the sad one, the shining star, the one thats going to grow up to be president, the loser, the winner, etc. etc.

The key here is whether or not you “buy into the story” or create your own story of who you are. This process also takes place when two people first meet. They bring their own stories to the table, but must co-create their story together as a couple in order to share a vision of a future together. This allows for mutual respect, love, adoration, compromise, care and fulfillment to grow in the relationship.

The largest jump that most couples must make is this joining of vision and ability to see the other partner as best friend and lover vs. the bad guy that is on the other team. The story is what makes or breaks the deal at this crucial point.

The “Sex” Tells A Story: Analysis of a Relationship

The Internet's Favorite Sex Therapist

In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in “Real Love.” The jury is still out on that one and I’m waiting a bit to read the emails I’ve been getting on the subject. I’ll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as “true love.”

In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I’m sure I’ve spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:
-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.
I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term “relationship.” However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.

The “Sex” of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the “it” of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.

Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.

The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.

In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES…I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist… there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist…there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.

If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!

What are you waiting for? Isn’t it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.

Take time to stop and smell the roses…life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don’t let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.

Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don’t believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows…love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you’ll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.

Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD, known as the Internet’s Favorite Sex Therapist, is a board certified sexologist, psychologist, and marriage and relationship therapist and owns <a href=”http://bocatherapy.com/”>Boca Therapy</a> in Boca Raton, Fl. She also offers phone therapy worldwide to both individuals and couples. Her popular blog is known as <a href=”http://Askdrarelene.com/”>Ask Dr. Arlene</a>

Love: Myth Or Reality?

by Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD Boca Therapy  and blog with her at Ask Dr. Arlene.

Well, July 4th has come and gone, and the summer is almost half over. Can you believe it? What about your dreams all winter long, enduring the cold and the snow, thinking about that great summer vacation that lies ahead. Hoping to meet that special someone during that long hot and sultry summer, you devise the most intricate of plans in your head, knowing it will be a July full of romance and lust that will outshine any firework display!

SCREEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, now back to reality. It is the middle of the summer, and your one true love has not yet appeared! Egad! What on earth, no it can’t be, not another bummer of a summer with no fantastic love story to report upon return to earth and your fellow co-workers!

So then, what of this fantasy that most of us have had once or twice in our lives, to fall madly in love with that one unique and fantastic, handsome/beautiful person that walks on water and floats through the air?

The one that you’ve created in your mind a thousand times over, that will love you like you’ve never been loved before and can do no wrong. The one guy or gal that reminds you of good old mom’s apple pie and dad’s aftershave when you were 6 years old.

Its a bird, its a plane, NO….or is it merely a myth as intangible as Superman’s ability to fly?

You tell me. I’d love to hear from my readers first. Then I’d love to respond to most all of you as to whether or not I truly believe that “REAL LOVE” does indeed exist!!

Looking forward to hearing your comments. 

Dr. Krieger is a board certified clinical sex therapist (sexologist) and marriage and family therapist in Boca Raton, Fl.   She specializes in relationships and intimacy issues. Visit her site at

Boca Raton Sex Therapist Explains “A Sexless America”

Is anyone out there still having sex? Honestly, I know it is summer and hot hot hot out there, but c’mon people…surely you have the time and energy to conjure up a bit of sexy stuff with your partner! As they say, “Just Do It!”

Madonna’s got it right when she sings,
“Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love All over your body, all over your body In my love All over, all over From your head down to your toes.”

There ya go, remember what it feels like to be in lust?

In conversation with another mental health professional this week, I was startled to hear her corroborative report that none of her patients were having sex! Although she doesn’t specialize in sexuality, the issues of low libido and desire were also raising their sad statistical little heads in her psychiatric arena of therapy.

The issues of low libido, lack of desire and simply falling out of love with a partner are in the top 3, of issues that present in my office. The reasons range from simply not being in the mood, to some personal affront or offense perceived by one or another of the partners, resulting in a sexless and guarded relationship.

Once anger and contempt enter the parameters of relationship, there is a black hole where the heart used to be. No love or intimacy can grow there in the dark.

Only through healthy communication can these problems in a relationship be “fleshed out” a term used in the therapeutic world. This meaning, being able to work through the hurts and disappointments that are always there in the world of relationship. Knowing how to fight fairly, not bringing up the past or throwing verbal zingers at your partner just to inflict pain or harm.

Before you’re singing the song…you’re already gone, I’m lonely, and find yourself begging your partner to stay, stop here please! These are the final stages of argument, where partners can make mistakes that are irreparable.

Professional help can often help partners sort things out and prioritize their relationship in a healthier more functional manner.

The statistical facts continue to support the fact that marriage and relationship is hard work. It is hard to keep sexuality and romance alive in relationship today. What can be done about it? Is sex still important after a few years together?

As a Clinical sexologist, I say, plenty can be done about it! And yes, sex is absolutely, totally, definitely, a necessity in relationship. There are a 1001 ways to show love, and enjoy a fully satisfying sexual life with your partner.

Dr. Krieger is a Florida board certified sexologist, marriage and family counselor, and mental health therapist.  She is an expert author on Ezinearticles.com and known as America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist.  Her office is located in Boca Raton and she provides telephone therapy worldwide. For more information visit www.bocatherapy.com

Blog with her at www.askdrarlene.com

Is Anybody Having Sex In America?

Is anyone out there still having sex? Honestly, I know it is summer and hot hot hot out there, but c’mon people…surely you have the time and energy to conjure up a bit of sexy stuff with your partner! As they say, “Just Do It!”

Madonna’s got it right when she sings,
“Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love All over your body, all over your body In my love All over, all over From your head down to your toes.”

There ya go, remember what it feels like to be in lust?

In conversation with another mental health professional this week, I was startled to hear her corroborative report that none of her patients were having sex! Although she doesn’t specialize in sexuality, the issues of low libido and desire were also raising their sad statistical little heads in her psychiatric arena of therapy.

The issues of low libido, lack of desire and simply falling out of love with a partner are in the top 3, of issues that present in my office. The reasons range from simply not being in the mood, to some personal affront or offense perceived by one or another of the partners, resulting in a sexless and guarded relationship.

Once anger and contempt enter the parameters of relationship, there is a black hole where the heart used to be. No love or intimacy can grow there in the dark.

Only through healthy communication can these problems in a relationship be “fleshed out” a term used in the therapeutic world. This meaning, being able to work through the hurts and disappointments that are always there in the world of relationship. Knowing how to fight fairly, not bringing up the past or throwing verbal zingers at your partner just to inflict pain or harm.

Before you’re singing the song…you’re already gone, I’m lonely, and find yourself begging your partner to stay, stop here please! These are the final stages of argument, where partners can make mistakes that are irreparable.

Professional help can often help partners sort things out and prioritize their relationship in a healthier more functional manner.

The statistical facts continue to support the fact that marriage and relationship is hard work. It is hard to keep sexuality and romance alive in relationship today. What can be done about it? Is sex still important after a few years together?

As a Clinical sexologist, I say, plenty can be done about it! And yes, sex is absolutely, totally, definitely, a necessity in relationship. There are a 1001 ways to show love, and enjoy a fully satisfying sexual life with your partner.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dr. Krieger is a board certified sex therapist with a thriving practice in Boca Raton, Fl. She also offers therapy for individuals and couples worldwide by phone. Her main office website is www.bocatherapy.com and you can blog with her at www.askdrarlene.com

Is Your Rabbit Organic: A Quick Guide To Healthy Sex Toys

With the advent of the current green trend, did you ever wonder about the toxins in your sex toys? By the way, I’m hoping that this is not merely an organic trend or the politically correct way to be right now, but rather the new and only way for our future world. It is crucial that we all become aware of ways to save our beautiful planet earth, and keep ourselves safe and healthy as well.

So then, what of this current awareness of toxic sex toys? Well, it seems that many popular erotic toys are made of polyvinyl chlorides (PVC) , plastics long decried by eco-activists for the toxins released during their manufacture and disposal. Thes plastics are softened with phthalates, a controversial family of chemicals. Thes include the inviting soft “jelly” or “cyberskin” sex toy items that have become so popular in the last few decades.

Althought the earlier models, such as the infamous “Rabbit” were made with PVC plastics, it was difficult for many of the larger stores to carry plenty of items and yet avoid PVC. It was ultimately cheaper and the educated consumer had yet to reach the awareness plateau that exists today of green products, ie. soaps, detergents, linens, sheets, foods, and yes, sex toys!

Most have tried a sex toy once or twice. That great smell of your brand new plastic toy is basically the new toy”off-gassing, meaning it’s releasing VOC’s into the environment. The problem with VOCs? Organic compounds are the basis of all living things and contain carbon as their principal element. VOCs, in contrast, are chemical compounds that vaporize at room temperature.

They are suspected carcinogens, meaning that they can cause cancer when you breath them in. So consider what damage you can be doing when you put these “safe” plastic sex toys in your “vajayjay”… as Oprah would say!

Even scarier, sex toys are unregulated, meaning that there are no guidelines for manufacturing, no requirements to disclose what materials are involved in manufacturing and no regulatory body that governs what plastics and chemicals are used.

With all the recent press highlighting the indescretions and backstabbing policies of Big Business and the banking world, do you really expect your sex toy company to be a bunch of angels?
This all means that you must become an educated consumer. This includes investigating, reading, and knowing what you put on or in your body, from food to sex toys!

Also, an important note. We all need to push for regulatory action on the hazardous chemicals in all consumer products. A funny thing, these chemicals like phthalates, which were recently banned by the government in the children’s toys , are yet still a problem in our adult toys.

The time is now for green sex toys. By clicking on this link
http://www.babeland.com/?kbid=943&img=babeland_janesguide.gif and
then typing “rabbit habit” into their site search engine, it will take you
to the best out there.

My Relationship: Do I Stay Or Leave? By Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD Sexologist

Again, one of the No. 1 questions that patients want to know in Sex therapy sessions. Of all of the issues of love, lust, libido, relationship, sex and intimacy in relationship…most everyone at one time or another asks this question.

My response is, that with faith, love and hope, anything worth fighting for can be fixed!

I always ask my patients to think back to what it was that attracted them to each other to begin with. In other words, what little nuances like, the way the other person smiled, or was easy to be with…or perhaps was kind to animals and strangers, or always offering to help out those in need.

These types of personal and behavioral characteristics are what makes up the charm or charisma that you were most likely first drawn to upon the first encounters with your partner.
Once into the grit and grind of daily life however, it is all too easy for us to lose site of what it was and is that we adored most about our lovers.

So to the question of how to know if this is for real? Whether you’re dating, living together, or married for just several years or 50…the key to knowing if you’re in the right place is simple.

No. 1 – Do you respect the person you are sitting across from at the dinner table, or sleeping next to in bed at night?

It is crucial that you think this one over for awhile, before you jump in to answer. If you have had a recent argument or don’t like the color your wife has painted the house, thats a disagreement, not a life determining factor that should make or break the relationship.

We all fight, in fact, it is those couples that “don’t fight” that truly worry me. Fighting fairly is a way of communicating and is healthy as long as certain rules are followed. This means no bringing up the other persons past, no back stabbing or name calling, nor undermining the other person. To fight fairly can be learned, these skills are available and should be utilized in order to prevent harm that can sometimes not be repaired.

Words spoken in anger can cut as sharp as any knife and wound your loved one to the core. For some, they can easily forget and forgive, for others…those words hastily spewed will resonate in their minds forever, ultimately killing the love and respect in the relationship.

If you as a couple, can find your way back to one another, by way of healthy communication, consideration for the others feelings, by allowing your partner to speak their truth, without fear of retaliation… or judgment, then you’ve taken the first steps to re-connecting with your partner.

Hopefully, you will find the love, respect, and devotion that was first there in your relationship.
These attributes are not something to be taken for granted. They must be nurtured, implemented and planted in your relationship on a daily basis, just as you would care for a delicate orchid.

The heart has a mind of its own, yet knows when it truly loves and receives love back. Being truthful about these delicate matters is not always a painless experience. However, moving forward and building on your love is the only way to grow a beautiful and thriving relationship.

Dr. Krieger is a board cerfified Florida Sexologist and offers in-offices therapy sessions or telephone therapy worldwide to both individuals and couples.  Her main website is www.BocaTherapy.com  Blog with her at www.AskDrArlene.com

What Is Normal Sexuality? Married People Want To Know.

Everyone wonders about this. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they?

The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems.

With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.

In today’s society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, “being all over each other 24 hours a day.

Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no 1 one “right way” of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no “editing” of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome…surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.

Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs.

There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.
Hmmm…. I wonder which gender that is!

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.

What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of intimate connection. You deserve no less.

What Is A Certified Sexologist? Dr. Arlene Krieger, PHD Explains

Do we need to see a therapist?
I think we have sexual problems?
How do we find the right type of therapist?
A sex therapist, what the heck is a sex therapist?

It never fails to amaze me, that the mere mention of sex and human sexuality continue to titillate and cause a state of unrest for most, when thrown into the mix of everyday conversation.

I’m standing inside the sushi restaurant last week, waiting for my take-out tempura salmon roll. A very charming and handsome man also waiting outside the front door beckons for me to join him while waiting for our lunch orders. He casually asks if I live in the neighborhood and what I do for a living.

Before I answer him, I notice a woman sitting not 3 feet from us, observing the conversation. She seems somewhat amused by the charming man and his social tactics (pick-up lines).
I open my mouth to respond and my mind is already whirling with thoughts of the response I will most likely get from my answer.

“I’m a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, a Marriage and Family Therapist with a PhD in Clinical Sexology…” I pause, watching the expression on his face. The woman at the table nearby, also has looked up from her lunch, I have their absolute attentions at this point.

You do what, he exclaims? I again define my profession, and add, “you know, like Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite sexologist…only a bit younger.”

The woman at the table is still watching us. She smiles and says, “this should be interesting.”

____________________________

This is the response I receive 99.9% of the time from persons, once they’ve asked what my profession is. Even upon explanation, there still seems to be that stunned look on their faces.
So then, why the shock effect from stating that one works in the field of Human Sexuality?

First off, `I’m not sure that people fully understand what it means to be a sex therapist, sexologist or clinical sexologist. It often can mean different things to different people, since the field of sex therapy is very specific to its requirements and regulations

What then does it actually mean to be a sex therapist?

Florida is the only state to license sex therapists. Other licensed professionals in the mental health field may obtain the additional specialty license by completing 120 hours of training and 20 hours of supervised clinical practice. Or, they may attain their PhD in Clinical Sexology by completing a State certified doctoral program in clinical sexology.

Currently The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists offers such programming in Orlando, Florida. Dr. William Granzig is the founder and Dean of the program, with whose guidance and training I was honored to have studied.

Dr. Granzig states in a past interview with the Washington Post, that sexual matters cannot be addressed by just any therapist, so it is beneficial to train people to deal with them specifically.
He also maintains that the model for sex therapy, created more than 30 years ago by William Masters and Virginia Johnson calls for therapists to refer patients to sex therapists when sexual issues arise.

Outside Florida, sex therapists are generally licensed in such fields as counseling, social work or psychology. Some receive additional training and certification from organizations such as the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and the American Board of Sexologists (ABS). “

There are conflicting views about this very specific profession however. In a recent passing conversation with a colleague in the mental health field, he claimed that sex counseling is simply an aspect of an everyday psychology practice, and though the subject may not come up often, he was surely capable of dealing with such issues, simply based on “personal experience.”

WHAT?? No No No No! In the State of Florida there are very specific and absolute statutes defining the specifics of who can practice sex therapy and who can call themselves a sex therapist. These statutes are clearly stated along with the specific training and course work that one must have in order to practice sex therapy in the State of Florida.

Just because my colleague was once a playboy and has endured 4 marriages, doesn’t give him the qualifications to shoot from the hip so to speak, and practice “sex therapy” in his office!

That said, hopefully I’ve answered some questions about, what is a sex therapist and how do I find a sex therapist that is qualified?

Now, I’d like to address exactly when you may need a sex therapist and what to expect in sex therapy, and sex therapists can really do for you.

First of all, it is important to understand that we as human beings don’t exist in a unilateral world. We are almost always in relationship with one or another persons. Whether it be work or personal life, there is a systemic flow to who you are and how you interact in the world around you.

In your relationship the issues of sex, intimacy, love, career, health and life in general all add up contextually to who you and your partner are. As sex therapists, it is often important to break down these individual issues and isolate the actual sexual issues from the relationship factors.
Although if is often difficult to separate the two, that’s exactly what your sex therapist tries to do. In better understanding sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction in your relationship, therapy helps you to gain clarity on who you are and what you expect from your partner. Your relationship and sex life are not independent of one another. However, it is important to point out that fixing your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a quick fix for your sex life.

There is a method behind the madness of therapy and sex therapy. We don’t simply sit in our chairs and pull questions out of thin air like rabbits out of a hat. The original therapeutic models for sex therapy go back some thirty years to the pioneering sexologists. Sex therapists have devoted much time and research in order to gain an understanding of human sexuality and human behaviors. Therefore, they are much more likely to have a comprehensive understanding of your sexuality and relationship issues than a typical psychologist.

Sex therapists don’t fix your problem. They help you help yourself. As Sex therapists, we foster a safe place where you can communicate understand, and focus on defining and healing the specifics of your sexual and relationship issues.

Sexual dissatisfaction is the no. 2 reason for divorce in this country. If you are seeking help, you can locate a licensed and qualified sex therapist by contacting the American board of Sexology, or go to your Internet which provides numerous therapist locater programs, such as psychologytoday.com or 4 therapy.com etc. You may also want to ask your medical doctor for a referral in your local area.

Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD practices in Boca Raton, Fl.  She is known as “America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist”. Blog with her at www.askdrarlene.com